FAQs About Domestic Violence.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/
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FAQ
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The answers to these questions are listed below.
Who are the victims?
Who are the abusers?
What is abuse? A warning list.
What can I do to be safe?
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
Where do I go?
What is the Incidence of Partner Abuse?
What Problems are Associated with Children's Witnessing of Domestic Violence?
What if I know someone being abused?
Lethality Studies in Domestic Abuse
ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM of domestic violence: rich ... poor ... old ... young... married ... single ... Black, White, Asian, Hispanic, Native American ... professionals ... unemployed people ... celebrities. Though both women and men can be a victim, the vast majority of victims are women.
For women age 15-44, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury.
there is a domestic homicide every 5 days in Michigan.
Children living in a home where the mother is abused are also more likely to receive mistreatment or neglect by the abuser. Children who witness abuse are victims as well.
If you are a woman of a racial or ethnic minority:
Women who belong to a racial or ethnic minority may feel they are much less likely to receive help than are white women because of prejudice against them. You may be reluctant to seek help because you don't believe anyone will help you. The groups listed in this book will help you.
Your partner may use your common experiences with prejudice and understandable fear of prejudice to keep you under control. He may tell you that if you "have him arrested," he may be beaten or killed by the police. He may suggest that you are "selling out" to the white man by seeking help from outside your own community. He may ridicule you by saying you're going to a bunch of white women for help. He may tell you that because of prejudice, you should do what he tells you so that he can feel like a real man.
You may be concerned about encountering prejudice from staff, volunteers, or white battered women. All staff and volunteers of groups listed in this book have training on racial and ethnic minorities and are given information about the special issues that face minority women in battering relationships.
If you are a lesbian survivor:
Physical violence does occur in lesbian relationships. If you are a lesbian who is being battered by your partner, you may have some special issues. You may be afraid that getting help will involve telling people that you're a lesbian which could result in loss of friends, family, job, housing or children. Your partner may threaten to come out for you to other people. She may tell you you're not a real lesbian.
She may use the special concerns and issues of the lesbian community to keep you under control. She may tell you that by telling people about the abuse, you're reinforcing the homophobia of the straight culture, and are selling out lesbians. You may be afraid to tell your family because this may reinforce their views that you're in a "sick" lifestyle. You may not want your partner to lose her job or family by reporting her to the police, and therefore revealing her orientation.
You can get the assistance you want and be sensitively and respectfully helped by calling any of the groups whose numbers appear in this book.
If you are a gay male survivor:
You may encounter many of the same barriers that lesbian survivors do. The same laws apply. Physical, emotional and economic abuse occur in gay relationships, too. Help is available from Affirmations. Call 1(800) 398-GAYS to get you out of abusive relationships.
If you have been the victim of forced anal sex, or any sex that has caused cuts or abrasions, you may be in greater danger of contracting AIDS. Help is available. HIV testing and risk-reduction counseling are available through the Oakland County Health Department. Call (810) 858-5476
If you a male survivor:
There is a popular misconception that a male can't be abused. Some men think they won't be believed or that they'll be humiliated if they speak up and try to get help. Men do get abused, and although this abuse is less common than abuse of women, it is just as wrong. Call a few of the groups in this book. You will be sensitively and respectively helped.
If you have a physical disability:
Assailants may perceive people with physical disabilities as easier to control. Assailants often use the disability as another method of control. You may be battered by your personal care attendant. Your caregiver might threaten to withhold food, medication or care.
Because of environmental barriers, people with physical disabilities are already isolated. The batterer may be increasing that isolation through such tactics as removing the wheelchair ramp, removing the T.D.D., or not helping you get places. If you are unable to drive a car, use a bus, or a cab, it could be more difficult for you to escape.
There is a myth that caretakers batter people with disabilities because they are frustrated with taking care of them. This is not true. Assailants batter in order to control. Help is available through the groups listed in this book. Give them a call.
If you are elderly:
If you are no longer independent, you may be depending on someone for care who is abusing or neglecting you. Many older people are afraid to report abusive caregivers for fear of retaliation. You may think that if this caregiver is out of the picture, you will have nowhere to go. There is help available for you, too.
Some examples of abuse and neglect that older people may suffer at the hands of their caregivers are: improper use of restraints or medication, threats of punishment or isolation, being left alone for long periods of time, having money stolen, or being deprived of meals, beverages, eyeglasses and hearing aids.
Who are the abusers?
Just like the victims, there are no "typical" abusers. Anyone can be an abuser. On the surface, abusers may appear to be good providers, loving partners and law-abiding citizens; but their abusive behavior toward their victims can lead to severe injury and even to murder. Although both men and women can be abusers, approximately 97% of all abusers are men.
Abuse is often a learned behavior. The tendency to use abuse as a control tacic is aggravated by the use of drugs and alcohol. Just as drug and alcohol problems can be overcome with proper treatment and counseling, abusive behavior can be overcome with proper treatment and counseling.
The person who uses any form of violence to control or manipulate a partner often has low self-esteem, may refuse to accept responsibility for the violence, and may believe the violence is justified. Often the abuser will attempt to rationalize or excuse the behavior or blame the victim for causing it. There is no excuse for this violent behavior. Violence is against the law.
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What is Abuse? A warning list.
Many women don't think of themselves as "abused". They may not think of themselves as "battered". Many victims don't see the things their partners do to them as abusive, and they don't see them as a pattern. Abuse is about control. It is one person scaring another person into doing what he wants her to do. It is not just one hit. It is a pattern. Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, economic. It can also be criminal. It is usually a whole series of behaviors used to get and keep control.
Here is a list of questions for you to ask yourself. You don't need to answer "yes" to all of them to have been abused.
Has your partner ever:
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hit, grabbed, choked, bitten, burned, slapped or pushed you?
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used a gun or a knife or some kind of weapon against you?
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hit you with some object like a bat or pan or belt?
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hit, held or squeezed you so hard that it left a bruise?
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threatened to hurt or to kill you or your children or your friends?
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withheld money or food or medicine or transportation from you?
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called you names, made you feel ashamed of yourself, humiliated you?
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put you down in front of your children, your friends, your boss?
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forced you to have sex when you did not want to?
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forced you to perform sexual acts you did not want to?
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destroyed or broken your possessions?
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threatened to harm or kill himself if you do or don't do something?
This chart lets you see the kinds of behavior abusers use to get and keep control over their partners. Battering is never an accident. It is an intentional act used to gain control over the other person. Physical abuse is only one part of a whole series of behaviors an abuser uses against his partner. Violence is never an isolated behavior. There are other forms of abuse.
This chart uses the wheel as a symbol to show the relationship of physical abuse to other forms of abuse. Each spoke represents a tactic used to gain control or power, which is the hub of the wheel. The rim which surrounds and supports the spokes is physical abuse. It holds the system together and gives the abuser his strength.
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Cycle of Violence
Incident:
* Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)
Reconciliation:
* Abuser apologizes for abuse
* Promises it will never happen again
* Blames victim for provoking abuse
* Denies abuse took place or that it wasn't as bad as victim claims
* Gift giving by abuser
Calm:
* Incident is "forgotten"
* No abuse is taking place
* Some promises made during reconciliation are being met
* Hope on the part of the victim that the abuse is over
The cycle can happen hundreds of times in an abusive relationship. Each stage lasts a different amount of time in a relationship, with the total cycle taking from a few hours to a year or more to complete. It is important to remember that not all domestic violence relationships "fit" the cycle. Often, as time goes on, the reconciliation and calm stages may disappear.
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What can I do to be safe?
Call the police
Write down the emergency number for the police. Call the operator if you don't know it.
If you don't have a phone, try to arrange a signal with neighbors so that they can call the police.
When the police come, be specific about where he hit you. Say, "He hit me in the stomach, kicked me in the ribs".
Show the police your injuries. Show the police what household items he broke.
If you are scared to do that in front of your partner, think about talking to one of the officers alone.
Why you may want to call the police
They can protect you from immediate danger and help you and your children get out of the house safely They can arrest the abuser without a warrant, when the police officer has good reason to believe that an assault has taken place or is taking place or that the abuser has violated a personal protection order. They must advise you of the availability of shelter programs and other services in your area. They must write out a police report, which is a detailed account of what happened to you. A police report may be used to help prove the abuse occurred, should charges be filed against the abuser. A police report can be used to show good cause for the court to grant a personal protection order if you should ever need one.
Get support from friends and family
Tell your family, friends and co-workers what has happened.
Move out, move away
It's not fair. You should not have to leave your home because of his behavior. But sometimes the only way you will be safe is to leave. There are shelters throughout the country that can help you relocate. HAVEN can put you in touch with them.
Get a personal protection order
Get medical help
If you have been injured, go to the emergency room, or urgent care unit, or see your doctor. Advocates may be available through the emergency room for support.
Medical records can be important evidence in criminal or civil court cases. Medical records can also help you get a personal protection order. Give all the information you feel safe to give. Medical records are confidential and are not supposed to be given out to anyone but you.
Special medical concerns:
Figure out what to do before or when the next attack happens. Visit the Oakland County Coordinating Council Against Domestic Violence website or the Middle Way House's Personalized Safety Plan document for more information.
Can I take my children with me when I leave?
Yes. If you can do it safely, definitely take your children with you. It may be more difficult later. Get legal custody of them within a few days. This is very important. Many of the groups listed on this website may help you find assistance. If you do not have your children with you, it may be difficult filing for temporary custody of your children. The parent who has physical possession of the children may have an advantage getting temporary custody. Your partner may try to kidnap, threaten or harm the children in order to get you to return. If you are in immediate danger and cannot take your children, contact the police immediately to arrange for temporary protective custody. (This does not mean you will lose custody. Permanent custody will be decided later by a judge.)
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Where do I go?
Stay with a friend or relatives. If you are a woman, do not stay with a man unless he is a relative. (Living with a man you are not married to could hurt your chances of getting custody of your children and spousal support. It could also cause conflict with your abuser.) Go to a battered women's shelter with your children. The staff there can help you get legal and financial help as well as provide counseling and emotional support for you and your children. Or call 911 because it is a good start.
Your life and your safety are most important. Trying to bring your children with you is important. Everything else is secondary.
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Incidence of Partner Abuse
Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend per year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners per year. Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998. While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner. Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998. Violence by an intimate accounts for about 21% of violent crime experienced by women and about 2% of the violence experienced by men. Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998. In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women. - Violence Against Women, Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, January, 1994. Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend. - Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998. In 1994, women separated from their spouses had a victimization rate 1 1/2 times higher than separated men, divorced men, or divorced women. - Sex Differences in Violent Victimization, 1994, U.S. Department of Justice, September, 1997. In 1996, among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends. - Uniform Crime Reports of the U.S. 1996, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1996. 31,260 women were murdered by an intimate from 1976-1996. - Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998.
Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence cases that involve families with children. - "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." J.L. Edleson, Violence Against Women, February, 1999. A child's exposure to the father abusing the mother is the strongest risk factor for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next. - Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family, APA, 1996. Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. - Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995. The U.S. Department of Justice estimates that 1.4 million adults are stalked annually in the United States. - Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998. Females accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department visits for violence-related injuries in 1994 but 84% of the persons treated for injuries inflicted by intimates. - Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girl friends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998. Family violence costs the nation from $5 to $10 billion annually in medical expenses, police and court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave, absenteeism, and non-productivity. - Medical News, American Medical Association, January, 1992. Husbands and boyfriends commit 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year. - Violence and Theft in the Workplace, U.S. Department of Justice, July, 1994.
The majority of welfare recipients have experienced domestic abuse in their adult lives and a high percentage are currently abused. - Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, The Taylor Institute, April, 1997.
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Problems Associated with Children's Witnessing of Domestic Violence
Children frequently witness violence in their homes. Eighty-four studies of the problems associated with children's witnessing have been reported in the literature but only 31 were found to have met rigorous research design criteria and included in the review. These studies have documented multiple problems among children that are significantly associated with a child's witnessing assaults of one parent by another in the home. These problems include:
Psychological and emotional problems such as aggression, hostility, anxiety, social withdrawal, and depression. Cognitive functioning problems such as lower verbal and quantitative skills and the development of attitudes supporting the use of violence. Longer-term development problems such as depression, trauma-related symptoms and low self-esteem among women and trauma-related symptoms alone among men.
These problems appear to be magnified or decreased by a number of moderating factors including:
Whether or not the child has also been a victim of physical abuse
A child's age and gender
The amount of time that has passed since witnessing violence
Where the child is living
How a child perceives his or her relationship to adults in the home and the degree of perceived family support for the child
The studies in this body of literature vary greatly. There are a surprising number of well-designed studies, but a large number of others contain methodological flaws that should raise caution in interpreting their findings. These flaws include:
A failure to separate abused from non-abused witnesses of domestic violence, making it difficult to determine what is associated with child abuse and what is solely associated with witnessing domestic violence. Samples focusing almost exclusively on children in crisis shelters. Collecting data primarily from children residing in battered women's shelters gives a good view of children at that point of crisis but not of children along a continuum of living arrangements and points of time since a violent event. A failure to collect data from the children themselves. Data is most often collected from adults ranging from mothers to teachers. Studies have shown children to report different effects on themselves than those reported by adults. Use of measures developed for other populations and not particularly sensitive to the issues of domestic violence.
Finally, significant numbers of children in these studies showed no negative consequences from witnessing violence. One must be careful not to assume that all children who witness domestic violence will show negative results. A careful assessment of each child is extremely important.
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What you can do when someone you know is being abused?
Tips for helping women in abusive relationships.
1. Start With Knowledge
Before you ever talk with her, make sure you know enough about the dynamics of domestic violence and the resources available to her so that you won't endanger her further.
Learn About Domestic Violence:
In the absence of meaningful intervention, abuse in a relationship only gets worse. The beatings will grow more frequent and they will inflict great harm. Although any excuse will do, there is no good reason to beat an intimate partner. The victim of such violence is never to blame. AND, nothing she can do, apart from leaving him, will stop the beatings. Leaving doesn't necessarily end the violence, however. The two years following a woman's decision to leave her abusive partner are the most dangerous for her and her children. The majority of reports of domestic violence are made by women who have left their abusers. The majority of women who die in the context of domestic violence die leaving, not staying.
Offer Your Help
Acknowledge Her Situation:
Do this very gently. If she is unwilling to acknowledge the abuse, don't press the issue. Do it very carefully. Not only is she afraid, but in danger too. If her abuser finds out she spoke with you, he will take it out on her. No matter how she responds to your overture, assure her that your interest is in her safety and welfare and that anything she tells you will be held in confidence. Let her know that whenever she wants it, she can look at material you keep in the house about abusive relationships.
Support Her:
When she runs herself down, point out her strengths. If she needs to talk without coming to resolution, let her.
When she's ready to make a move, help her determine what she will need, offer to keep a suitcase, money, and important papers, be a point of contact for her if she is in hiding. Watch the children when she has important appointments or just to give her a break. Believe in her. Expect that there will be setbacks and changes of heart. Let her know that leaving is a process and that you know she can and will make necessary changes in her life. Acknowledge the reality of the losses that she faces.
Take Care of Yourself:
There is a risk that your relationship with the victim could become so dependent that you feel overwhelmed. Be ready to refer her on to a resource that will share the burden.
Don't do anything that puts you at risk from the abuser. If it is safe, continue whatever quality of relationship you had before you became aware of the abuse.
Don't intervene physically; don't ever threaten him.
If he makes threats, take out a protective order against him and report any and all violations.
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Lethality Studies in Domestic Abuse
In my recent analysis of male perpetrated intimate partner killings in Florida, I quantify some of these above antecedents by examining documents from different agencies and conducting follow-up interviews with various system players. I distinguish between the antecedents in multiple killings (47 cases, 104 victims, including children; essentially homicide-suicides and familicides) and single killings (67 adult female victims). In single killings, perpetrators are more likely to have a criminal history of violence, to have had prior contact with the police regarding domestic violence, and to be poorer. Essentially, the antecedents that emerged most prominently in both multiple and single killings are, in order of importance:
A prior history of domestic violence. An estrangement, separation, or an attempt at separation nearly always by the female party. A display of obsessive-possessiveness or morbid jealousy on the part of the eventual perpetrator, often accompanied by suicidal ideations, plans, or attempts; depression (clinical or more rarely, psychotic); sleep disturbances (sometimes under treatment medically), and stalking of the victim. Prior police contact with the parties, more so in cases of single killings; often accompanied by perpetrators failing to be deterred by police intervention or other criminal justice initiatives. Perpetrator makes threats to kill victim; often providing details of intended modus operandi and communicating those details in some form or other, however subtle, to the victim herself, family members, friends, colleagues at work, or others. Perpetrator is familiar with the use of violence and sometimes has a prior criminal history of violence. Included in this group is a small but significant number of killers who have both access to and a morbid fascination with firearms. Perpetrator consumes large amounts of alcohol and/or drugs immediately preceding the fatality; especially in cases of single killings. Victim has a restraining order or order of protection against perpetrator at time of killing.
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MWH is a United Way agency.